Uneasy about what the future holds for the most infamous stars and stories of 2010? Relax, guys! I got y’all covered.
- The rapist in Lincoln Park, Alabama will be caught - and will be revealed to be Julian Assange. He is really dumb, for real.
- Scientists will discover that a double rainbow all the way means one more year of a depressed economy and high unemployment. Damn it, Hungrybear9562! Thanks a lot.
- No more TV shows based on Twitter will be made. There will, however, be a feature film based on the tweets of a twenty-something thinker named Amanda Bynes, because A. She is brilliant and pithy, and B. Judaism.
- Justin Bieber’s prolific stardom will be revealed to be due to his real management team: Heidi and Spencer Pratt.
- BP, unable to regain the public’s acceptance, will cease operations in the oil business and will merge with a less vilified organization: the United Fruit Company.